The life of a bachelor can be liberating. There is no one to tell you what to do or how to live. But what does it feel like to come home, night after night, to an empty apartment save for a possibly depressive dog? Multimedia journalist Brock Stoneham gave us his meditation on the solitary life in our first episode of the season, “A Place Called Home.” And now that he’s got a girlfriend, he gladly bequeathed us his one-pot recipes of solitude.
Recipe 1: Shells and Sauce
What You’ll Need
- 1 2-quart* pot
- 1 box of pasta, molded to look like seashells for unknown reason. (In their defense, they scoop up sauce.)
- 1 bottle sauce, store-bought
- Sausages. (Pork is cheapest, and no one will know, because you’re eating alone.)
- *I have no idea how big my pot is, but recipes should include measurements. And so I have included one.
What You’ll Do
- 1. Set the oven to “broil,” and if the broiler provides the option, “low.” You’ll likely want to throw some aluminum foil on the bottom of the broiler. Your local fire department will thank you.
- 2. Place two sausages in the broiler for about 16 minutes, flipping them once, let’s say ten minutes in.
- 3. Fill the pot with hot water. I’ve heard it said it’s dangerous to do this. Hot water rests in pipes and grows bacteria-rich. But I’ve never had a problem. By which I mean dysentery. Put the water on a stove set to high and bring to a “rolling boil,” as they say.
- 4. Once the water is boiling, dump in half a box of pasta. The directions on the back of the box will tell you that two cups make a serving, but that’s ludicrous. You may even be tempted to pour in more than half a box, but don’t do it! First of all, those shells expand, but more importantly, what are you going to do the next time you want some pasta? You’ll have less than half a box left, and if you’ve read this far, we both know you’re not the type to go out to the store for more pasta.
- 5. Turn down the heat and stir when you feel like it. Stare at your dog.
- 6. Have you flipped those sausages yet?
- 7. If you’ve timed this right, those sausages should be ready a few minutes before the pasta. Pull them out of the broiler and slice them horizontally.
- 8. Drain your pasta.
- 9. Pour some sauce onto the bottom of the pot. Tell yourself that next time you’ll make your own sauce. It will result in an increased feeling of sense of self-worth, but since actually making sauce can take hours and who really cares, never fulfill this promise.
- 10. Dump your pasta and sausage back into the pot. Pour some more sauce in there also.
- 11: Stir until hot. Serve. By which I mean insert fork into pot.
Recipe 2: The Next Night
What You’ll Need
- Whatever is left from the night before.
What You’ll Do
- 1. Do everything again. They don’t sell those sausages in two-packs, do they? You started with four sausages, and unless you plan on being spontaneous and making a sandwich, you’re having sausage again. You’ve still got some sauce left over too, right?
- 2. Try not to think that you’re about to dirty your pot. Again. Thoughts of repetition lead to Hegelian despair.
Recipe 3: Soup
What You’ll Need
- A can of soup. Try many varieties! Don’t look at the sodium count.
What You’ll Do
- 1. Open the can.
- 2. Clean the pot.
- 3. Dump the contents of said can in pot.
- 4. Throw in some pepper, because, why not?
- 5. Turn the heat to medium and stir occasionally. Don’t stare at the dog who may be judging you.
- 6. When it’s hot, eat it.
- 7. Remember to buy shells, sausages, and to soak the pot. You’ll be needing that.